


Blind Date

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-03
Updated: 2014-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-17 01:15:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3509726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adventures in internet dating, misunderstandings, and the usual crap that comes out of my brain.<br/>Spoiler: This contains no chicks</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blind Date

Toki arrived at the restaurant a few minutes late. He’d had trouble deciding what to wear, and had changed a few times before giving up and settling on his usual clothes. She didn’t have a profile picture, he didn’t even know what she looked like! How was he supposed to know how to dress? But she was the first chick who had responded to his profile.

EZ-Date was the latest thing, you didn’t even have to interact with them unless you went out with them. Everything was multiple choice menus, if you liked someone you just sent them one of the preselected greetings and waited to see if they responded. He didn’t have to worry about crap like spelling or sounding stupid.

She’d sent him a message, and when he responded, she asked him out using one of the preset local dining selections and the time menu. Now here they were.  
Or at least, here he was, standing at the door and having no idea what awaited him beyond it. Taking a deep breath and hoping she wasn’t really fat or hideous, or at the very least, that she had a good personality, Toki went inside.

The guy who stands up front and seats people (he never could remember what they were called) greeted him. When he gave the code word, he was led through a winding maze of tables, many of them occupied. She was already here then? Who was it? Which one would she turn out to be? How big was this fucking restaurant? Seriously, what the hell?  
Finally they came to a table in the far corner. 

Toki stopped in surprise that quickly turned to anger. “Skwisgaar?! What the fucks, you finds out I has a dates so you comes to ruins it?!”  
Skwisgaar looked every bit as surprised, which was weird.  
The guy who stands up front was worried now, “Is everything all right?”  
Skwisgaar waved him off dismissively. “Goes. We talks it outs.”

Sitting because people were turning to watch and he didn’t know what else to do, Toki scowled across the table. “Why’s you here?”  
“Why ams _you_ heres? I’s not tryings to fucks wit’ you, I really comes here for a dates.”  
Toki shook his head, realizing what must have happened. “Shit. So you’s.... fucks it’s not evens a word, can’t says it.”  
“Ja, I guesses so. And I jus’ kinda of closes mine eyes and runs a fingers over de keys to picks a name.”

They stared at each other, considering the situation.  
“Skwisgaar, I hates to tells you this, but you’s profile says you’s a goil.”  
“Damnsit, I messes up de settings? But Toki, it seems dat you ams a ladies too.”  
Toki sighed. “Well at least that explains why I keeps getting these messages from all these guys... I was wondersing abouts that. Hey why’d you messages me?”

“De picture of you’s ass. You poses like de ladies, I didn’ts realize you was you!”  
“Well I couldn’ts use my face, we’s famous! Waits... You likes my ass?”  
“Well I wasn’t knowings it was yours!” As if that explained everything.  
“You didn’ts _recognizes_ my ass?” He pouted, offended.

A waiter came over, interrupting them. “Can I take your drink order?”  
Toki looked at Skwisgaar pleadingly. “Cans we drinks?”  
“Ja, please.” He considered the menu, and pointed to something. “Dis. And jus’ brings us de whole bottle.”  
The man hurried off to do their bidding. If he’d recognized then, he gave no indication of it. Probably not, he had the look of someone who hung out in country bars. That was just as well. This was weird enough already.

They remained silent until their booze was delivered. The waiter offered appetizers, food, whatever, but they waved him off.  
Toki reached for the bottle but Skwisgaar pulled it away. “Dis ams a nice place, drinks outs of a fucksing glass.” He poured them both drinks. “And _sips_ it.”  
Toki stuck out his tongue, but took his glass and sipped. “So we both fucks up the easiest datings site evers?”  
Skwisgaar shrugged. “Ams not easiest enough, I guesses.”

“I still can’t believes you didn’ts recognizes my ass. You’s seen it befores.”  
“Toki, I don’t t’ink I coulds be picking mine own ass outs of a lines up.”  
“Well you can’ts even looks at you’s own ass! Unless you has a tragics head accident, I guess. Which you don’ts.”  
“I cans in a mirror! Nots dat I stands around doesning dat or anythings.”

Toki snorted, finished his drink, and held his glass out for more.   
Skwisgaar refilled it. “Ams dis a dates, den? I means, we ams here for a dates, right?”  
“You’s the ladies, Skwisgaar!”  
“No I’s not!” He considered it further. “Actuallies, it ams looksing like we ams both ladies on de interwebs. We shoulds fixes dat probablies.” He drank and continued. “But I’s not a ladies. And you don’t looks like a ladies either, now dat I can see alls of you.”

Toki drank too, Skwisgaar kept refilling. “So you’s sayings that I gots a goil’s ass?”  
“I am saysing dat a lot of ladies would be happies to has you’s ass. One ways or de udders.”  
“You’s one to talks! You’s ass is... It’s so rounds and perky!”  
Skwisgaar snorted into his drink, and shook his head. “You looks at mine ass a lots? Spends a lots of time t’inkings abouts it, maybies?”

“Sometimes I can’ts stop thinkings about it.” Toki was drunk enough to be honest and not care.  
Skwisgaar, still somewhat aware they were sitting in a public place, tried to derail the conversation before it went where he knew it was heading. “No reason for you to be t’inkings abotus it, not’ing to t’inks about.”  
“You’s the one who starteds this conserve... conservations!”  
“Ams you tryings to says conversations, Little Toki? I wouldn’t has, if I realizes you ams alreadies dis drunks.”  
But it was too late.

Half the bottle was gone now.  
“Remembers that time we goes outside and gets lost and can’ts fine the haus again? And we makes a snow cave under a bushes to stay warms in?”  
“Pfft. And you tells me dat we’s got to takes all our clothes off to be warmers.”  
“That’s how it works! Everybody knows thats!” Didn’t they? Everybody?  
“And den you tells me dat you’s got frostbites of de dicks and you has to warms it up-“  
“Mmmm. So warms...”

Skwisgaar slapped his hand down on the tabletop, the public forgotten. “Well dere amns’t such t’ing as frostbites of de dicks! I looks it up on de interwebs.”  
“Pretty sure there is, anything that sticks out can freezes off.”  
“But you didn’ts has it! _Dat’s_ mine point!”  
Toki grinned at him drunkenly. “You’s so cold on the outside, Mr. Frosty Guy, but so nice and warms on the insides...”

Skwisgaar rolled his eyes and downed the rest of his drink. “I was onlys savings you from a life wit’ no dick. Or so I t’oughts. Maybies you would has been betters off dat way, you act like a ladies so much anyways.”  
“I’s not a ladies!” Toki tried to look seductive, but failed. “And I thinks you knows it...”   
“I forgets you’s such a flirt when you’s wasteds. We should gets out of heres before you does somet’ing reallies stupids.” He poured them the last of the booze, no since leaving it here.

But Toki wasn’t done yet. “Remembers how when they finds us, we was really onlys abouts ten feets from the haus? I had no ideas! And I has to explains why we’s nakeds. And why you’s walkings funny.”  
Skwisgaar froze, his glass halfway to his mouth. He’d rushed off ahead, wanting to get inside, and had missed that part. “And what did you tells dem?”  
That we gets naked to nots freeze, everybody knows that!” He considered his drink, then downed it like a shot. “Oh, and I tells them you slips and falls down, that’s why.”  
“Oh. T’anks, I guess.” He didn’t really want everyone to know about that.

Their waiter was nowhere to be seen, after being waved away from a distance multiple times, he’d given up and just stayed far away. Skwisgaar didn’t give a fuck, he just pulled out enough money to surely cover the bottle they’d drank and stuffed it in his empty glass. Good enough. “Let’s be goings.”  
They wove their way through the restaurant, getting lost a few times, but finally finding the front door again. Fucking oversized restaurant. Stumbling a little, they stepped into the parking lot and stopped, confused. How were they going to get home?  
“Toki, how did you gets here?”  
“I gots drops off?”

Skwisgaar grunted and searched his pockets, finally fishing out a key. “Oh looks, I drives. Comes on.”  
“You’s goings to kills us both, aren’t you?”  
“Ja, probablies, but does we care? Jus’ don’ts be shooting at de hoovercopters dis time, okays?”  
They found the car, an inconspicious black one normally driven by the Gears, and folded themselves into it. Since the person in front of them had kindly left some time ago, Skwisgaar didn’t have to even bother with backing up. That was good.

The traffic was surprisingly light, maybe it was the time of night or something. Toki leaned against his door, watching Skwisgaar drive. Watching his profile as he focused on the road, his face briefly illuminated by passing streetlights, and alternately watching the dark landscape flow past.  
Skwisgaar glanced over at him in a flash of light. “You amsn’t passed out yet, ams you? Or needs to pukes?”  
“Noes, I’s okay.” Toki straightened up a bit in his seat. “Skwisgaar? When we gets home, can I sleeps with you?” He counted the streetlights as he waited for an answer.

Too many went past, and Toki didn’t think he was going to get an answer after all.  
He sighed and turned to watch out his window, they were now on the long, high drive to Mordhaus and there was nothing but empty space on either side of them. It was almost like they were floating, or flying. No more lights here, only the headlights to guide them. No guardrails either, which wasn’t something he wanted to focus on right now. How high were they? If they went off, how long would they fly?  
How fast would they die?

But Skwisgaar kept to the central lanes and held the car reasonably steady, and soon they were pulling into the lower garage. The lights burned into his eyes with the harsh reality of home. Toki got out as soon as they were parked, ready to just go to him room and hope nobody remembered to ask him how his damn date went tomorrow. Not that it had been bad, not at all, but there was no point dwelling on something that could never be.  
“Toki? Okays.”  
Confused, he stopped. “Whats?”  
“Okays, comes wit’ me.” 

Together they moved up through the haus. Due to its size, sometimes it could be hard to find someone when you were looking for them, but it was relatively easy to avoid running into anybody when you didn’t want to.  
Sure enough, they made it to Skwisgaar’s room without seeing anyone at all. Skwisgaar locked the door and turned on the light, but quickly turned it back off. Too bright, the glare hurt his eyes.  
They stood, blindly waiting for their eyes to readjust.

It didn’t take long for the familiar shapes of Skwisgaar’s room to emerge from the gloom, becoming sharper by the second.  
Toki could see now but stood where he was, unsure what to do. He had asked on impulse, he didn’t really have any kind of plan here. Maybe he shouldn’t have drank so much, but too late now.  
Skwisgaar silently moved to the closet and began undressing, Toki watched.

Completely naked now, Skwisgaar walked back to stand in front of him. “You shoulds gets naked so we can stays warm, remembers?” He smiled, his teeth white in the gloom.  
Toki was still unsure. “Skwisgaar, are you tryings to seduces me?”  
“Surprisingsly, no. I ams jus’ enjoysing you’s company tonight, for a change. Comes to bed?”  
“Okays.” Toki quickly stripped, with none of Skwisgaar’s grace, losing his balance and stumbling into the wall. Yeah, too drunk.

Toki moved to the bed and crawled onto it, flopping down and burrowing under the fur. Man, he loved this bed, but rarely got a chance to sleep in it. He felt Skwisgaar reach for him, and snuggled closer to his warmth.  
“Toki, you sure you’s not goings to pukes?”  
“Yeah. Woulds has happened by nows, don’ts worries.” He shifted a little, so he could push his face against Skwisgaar’s neck. “Skwisgaar? It was a good dates afters all?”  
He felt and heard the soft chuckle. “Ja, a pretty goods dates.”  
And both smiling, they drifted off to sleep.


End file.
